|Palin addressing those displaced by the Metrodome roof collapse (Image: Ryan McFarland)|
Yes, I throw around a select few here and there to sound like a actually passed the English comprehension portion of the SAT's when in reality I never once even finished because of what is likely a mild, undiagnosed case of Attention Deficit Disorder, or as I like to call it, "thinking the SAT's are fucking boring." However, the truth of the matter is that I am a simple man when it comes to the English language.
Now many of you may not have known about this....no, flaw isn't the right word....intellectual idiosyncrasy of mine. And the reason for this is that my admirable perspicacity allows me to make up for my shortcomings in the memorization and utilization of a cornucopia of words, some of which may not yet be recognized as mainstays of the English language. This last part is a mere formality, however, as my poetic license allows me to use such words of higher intellectual understanding without fear of persecution.
It was recently announced that Sarah Palin, who, as to my knowledge, has yet to take her family parah salin' on her reality television program, was being honored by the New Oxford American Dictionary with coining one of the words of the year: refudiate. She was credited with coining it because before she said it...you know...it wasn't real...
I have several problems with the honor New Oxford is bestowing upon her. These objections I hold range from the logically pertinent, to the hypocritically selfish, the the downright baselessly unrelated.
First of all, she didn't even know she was making up a word. Without intention, I don't believe that credit can be properly claimed. Kind of like how she can't take credit for naming her book "Going Rogue," since it was already a recognized British idiom for "unprotected anal sex," which is a phrase loosely meaning "sticking it in one's poop chute before deciding how good of a lubricant excrement is."
After Palin used the word refudiate on Twitter in what has likely become her most infamous twat, she experienced a shitstorm of criticism courtesy of pretentious assholes claiming to know more about real words than her. She was able to put them in their place, however, by explaining on her show that she made a typo when typing "refudiate instead of repudiate" and pressing "an 'f' instead of a 'd'." For those still catching up on the math, let me break it down for you:
Refudiate - F + D = Repudiate.
For those of you who did the same math and came up with "redudiate," you must be mistaken. Go back and check your calculations. This is why we can't have nice things.
What irks me the most about this whole situation isn't that Palin actually said the word out loud on July 12th on Fox to Sean Hannity even before she ever twatted it on Twitter July 18th, or that the Fox News transcript has the word corrected to "repudiate," or the fact that the 'f' and the 'p' keys on my keyboard are spaced 4.5 inches apart, or even just her saddening inability to lie properly. What really pulls at my short hairs is the fact that I pride myself on my complete and utter mastery of bullshit. Bullshit which I spew with such astonishing, intentional fluency that it nearly breaks down the barrier separating metaphorically-named rhetorical tools from literal, tangible things. I'm surprised that there isn't actual cow feces flowing from my face.
What do you want New Oxford? Do you want me to start a Twitter account? Well tough shit, that's never going to happen. Do you want me to begin speaking at such deafening levels of ludicrous verbositude that I alienate all but my most blindly loyal followers, of which I likely have few? Should I go on a rant filled with so many real-sounding, made-up words that my internet spell check function personifies itself and ends up roundhouse kicking me in the side of the head? Challenge accepted.
The level of unacknowledged witicity that I so talentedly craft in this forum and others has gone unnoticed for lengths of time so unacceptably extensive that I am subjected to constant, incontrollable urges to forcibly strike adorable, protectionless animals, as well as the occasional drifter, and all inanimate objects that I feel are purposeless or frivolous in our society as a whole. Furthermore, the recency of political events such as Sarah Palin being allowed to speak in public have sparked perturbation in me at a level of ridiculisity so high that if I type more than a few words at a time I face an illegitimate risk of spontaneous combustion. With that said, I am now faced with a conundrumous quagmire so deafeningly frustraneous that my only choice is to refud-
OW. SON OF A BITCH.
Fucker got me right in the earlobe.